René Nicoletti, LICSW
Neutrality in therapy is essential. I am reminded of this every time a couple disagrees on “who started with the insults”. Both parties fire a look at me with pleading eyes, as if answering this question will solve all of their problems. It will not. The goal is to help couples navigate conflict on their own. My answer will only delay this.
Therapy is a place to find safety and tolerance. This is true for all of our differences regardless of your political/religious/spiritual beliefs, culture, identity, ability or status. As a therapist, it is my goal to listen without sharing my personal opinion, to maintain objectivity, and to role model emotional boundaries. This means checking my own transference, trauma, and countertransference on the drop of a hat, so I can focus on my client. I do this through acceptance and unconditional love. This is a gift I give to others and to myself. If you are my client, I love you. If you have ever been my client or will never be my client, I love you.
This unconditional love does not mean I always understand someone or accept their life choices. With the recent election, we have heard concepts that reflect racist, sexist, xenophobic, ableist, homophobic and transphobic views. This has left so many people feeling marginalized, abandoned and afraid.
My message to those of you who resonate with this sentiment, I see you. You are not alone. Find solace in your safe places and trusted people. Grieve but do not let it consume you. Become familiar with your allies and accomplices, and continue to advocate for what is right.
I leave you with these words that have helped me to stay on the path of unconditional love.
“When we get angry, we suffer. If you really understand that, you also will be able to understand that when the other person is angry, it means that she is suffering. When someone insults you or behaves violently towards you, you have to be intelligent enough to see that the person suffers from his own violence and anger. But we tend to forget. We think that we are the only one that suffers, and the other person is our oppressor. This is enough to make anger arise, and to strengthen our desire to punish. We want to punish the other person because we suffer. Then, we have anger in us; we have violence in us, just as they do. When we see that our suffering and anger are no different from their suffering and anger, we will behave more compassionately. So understanding the other is understanding yourself, and understanding yourself is understanding the other person. Everything must begin with you.”
~ Thich Nhat Hanh
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